The Beach & Shit

So my friends and I went to the beach today and noticed that a few people had decided to bring their dogs along. I think its a great idea that you want to bring your dog out with you but is a public crowded beach really the best place? What if your dog decides to take dump right there right in front of hundreds of people? You would probably get kicked out and have some stupid little kid try to play with it and end up getting infected with something stupid like coccida. If you are bringing your new puppy to the beach to pick up chicks, let me let you in on a little secret (SPOILER ALERT). They don't give a rats ass about you. They just want to play with your puppy. I do it to guys all the time. OMG YOUR PUPPY IS SOOO CUTE!!! While I am playing with it and ignoring said guy. When I get bored or have to go I just say "thanks!" and run away. If you are trying to get chicks you need game not an animal. Picking up chicks is not a good enough reason to get a puppy. Another thing I noticed is this stupid bimbo letting her cocker spaniel choke its self while she was walking on the beach. A little girl gets excited and asks to pet it and the bitch just keeps walking like she didn't hear anything. YOU AREN'T THAT COOL STOP BEING A BITCH. I will say my favorite was this cute mastiff mix with this really creepy guy that looked fried not only by the sun but some other things too. A dog will not erase the creep aura that you reek of. So word to the wise, leave your pets at home unless you own the beach. Then do whatever you want because you are so rich you own a beach. (must be nice, you jerk)

Fostering & Shit

So I work at a vet clinic and they had a need for some people to foster a litter of puppies. I had the brilliant idea that I would take two of them. Around 3 weeks old still in need of constant attention, cleaning, feeding, pampering. I have raised several litters of puppies over the years considering my family bred golden retrievers, I just assumed it would be similar to that. What I neglected to realize was that puppies with a mother are significantly less needy. When they wake up and start whining all you need to do is send mom in to take of them. Now I am getting woken up at 4:30 am everyday to feed the puppies, give them water, and clean their papers. Then about ever 3 hours, like clockwork, they wake up and start whining again. Not to mention they are on 4 different kinds of medicines for worms and parasites. I attempted at first to keep them in my bedroom but soon realized every time I moved or did anything they would wake up and cry. Great. Not to mention the second I brought them out in my room Chilla had a fit and began barking at them. She remained mad at me for about 3 days. I really hate that I have a chinchilla with the attitude of a teenager. So I moved them to the living room where the cat looks at them like they are his next meal and Elanor, our most recent mom, freaks out about puppies whining and wants to come to the rescue. The first few days were really rough and severely tested my patience. Being 21 and wanting to go out on the weekend becomes really hard when you essentially have "babies" at home. Luckily I had my sister to help me out otherwise they wouldn't have made it past a day. It has been almost a week now and they seem to have gotten into a little schedule and don't need as much attention. THANK GOD. I think they are finally feeling better and growing up. This started out as an attempt to do something good and help out animals that needed it. I did accomplish this but I also realized that I am not as responsible as I thought I was. A 21 year-old should not have pets that don't stay in cage or use the toilet. If your kids ever tell you they will take care of an animal if you get it for them, unless it lives in a cage, don't believe them. You will be the one that takes care of it.

Note to self: DON'T EVER FOSTER PUPPIES AGAIN.

The 4th & Shit

Everyone loves the fourth of July. It's the day we celebrate saying f you to Great Britain. Barbecue, beer, explosions. It's all fun and games until your dog eats your couch because it has a phobia of loud noises. Now there is a HUGE market for anxiety reducing products. Pheromone collars, sprays, and now the "Thunder Shirt" are all products to help your dog cope with high anxiety situations. A shirt that hugs your dog to keep them calm. REALLY?! So the "science" they have behind it is that compression helps lessen anxiety symptoms in newborns, autism patients, and now pets. Now there are tons and tons of testimonials saying that this product is a miracle for pets but they have testimonials for everything. The Thunder Shirt website claims an 80% success rate. The thing to remember is that statistics can be bias to say just about anything so they don't mean much. The things to look at are customer reviews or simply by trying it yourself. Customers are always right and if they aren't happy they will rant and rave about it and demand refunds. This products seems to have mainly positive reactions from most users. This should be taken with a grain of salt however because the general pet owner is not that familiar with true animal behavior. Just because you Google it doesn't make you an expert. I do have a dog with storm phobias and am debating trying this product. His symptoms are not  severe so this product is not really a "life saver" for a dog in his situation. The true test of this product is on an animal that is so phobic it needs to be sedated for storms. What I don't see on their website is a clinical trial of this product in a laboratory setting.

     Here is a perfect example of a YouTube video where I would not call this a success.  You only need to watch a few seconds to get the idea. Yes this dog may have reduced symptoms but the incessant barking would still drive me crazy. If you are a true believer in this product or you are just desperate for a solution for your dogs anxiety then try the product. Don't be surprised if it doesn't work for your dog. Every dog is different and has different needs, what works for one may not work for another. Also, just an aside, why the hell do they have to use a golden doodle in the picture?! That is a different issue I'll address later... hypoallergenic pets what a bunch of bs.

Vacation & Shit

Try having 7 golden retrievers and no one to babysit. It's too expensive to board them all and you can't leave them home alone. So what do you do? You buy a cargo van and convert it to a "canine traveler" complete with raised roof, roof vent, rear a/c, generator, crate bench, and 7 dog crates plus supplies. This thing is a monstrosity and costs about $60,000 when it's all said and done. RIDICULOUS. I'll never understand why someone spends that much money on a vehicle just for their dogs. O yea we do. It was useful for the days when we showed dogs but now it just seems excessive. So this past weekend the family had to go to Louisville for a wedding. We had to take all the dogs with us because our normal babysitter is the person that invited us to her daughter's wedding. Yea we were screwed. Needless to say they managed the trip fairly well. Even with staying in at a pet hostile hotel, they lived in the van for the weekend and went outside to do business and that was about it. This is the reason we need the "mobile dog hotel." DO NOT LEAVE YOUR DOGS IN YOUR CAR WITHOUT PROPER VENTILATION AND A/C. OK just had to say that. The dogs lived just fine in the car because we have a generator that runs the a/c so they don't overheat. In the winter you can run the heat so they don't freeze to death. It's pretty nice but excessive for the casual pet owner. Naturally with all the dogs you can't fit a family of four in the car so we had to bring a second along with the 1000 truffles we made for the wedding favors. Dogs plus chocolate is just asking for trouble but both survived. The fun comes on the way home when I need to stop at my college campus to pick up something from my apartment and we blow a tire. SO I got to sit in a Starbucks parking lot and try and put my auto shop knowledge to use to try to jack the car. Managed to jack the car but fail to be able to break the nuts on the tire. Not to mention it was corroded to the wheelbase so it wouldn't come off. Good thing the dogmobile was close and dad came to the rescue.

Now why does all that matter? This is just a short story of the random stuff I do with my pets. Here are some tips for the traveling pet owner. If you can't find someone to babysit and you don't want to board you animals, step number one is to check if your accommodations are pet friendly. If they are then great but if not you will need a set up like the vehicle described above unless you are traveling somewhere that the temperature is moderate and you can just crack the windows. Also, please use a crate. Don't let your dog have free reign of your car, who knows what kind of trouble it will get its self into. Make sure to walk your dog in a nice open grassy area and CLEAN UP YOUR DOGS MESS. Nothing frustrates me more then irresponsible dog walkers. My apartment is a prime hot spot for lazy college girls that are too high maintenance to pick up dog poop. Really? If it grosses you out that much don't have pets. You clearly shouldn't have one if you can't clean up after it. Other than that, traveling is pretty straightforward. Be responsible and don't forget about your animals.

& Shih tzu

So this thing looks exactly like an ewok. I mean look at it. Just turn it into a bear and give it a spear, it's an ewok. That's not the point. Honestly I never really cared for small dogs, ankle bitters, foot stools, whatever you want to call them but I will bit my tongue on this one. Shih tzus are actually pretty cool. They make look kind of retarded sometimes with their massive underbite and eye boogers. The ones I always saw at dog shows looked like my grandmother's throw pillows so naturally I didn't like them. Yea, I know I used to show dogs. Shut up I won scholarship money and a lime green tv. The whole point of this is that I am confessing I actually like the little brats. My recently acquired job as a dog washer has me discovering which breeds I actually can stand and which are complete idiots. German Shepherds for instance. Generally I really like them but when a dog has never seen water and it's doing barrel rolls in tub to get away from the hose I am going to label it an idiot. Every shih tzu I have dealt with has been tolerant to washing, soaping, brushing, and mostly drying. They even let me wash their head and face, the nemesis of dog washing. I'm not about to get bit because your dog wants to eat me for washing the drool off its face. Another breed I find gross is the american bulldog. Not because the animal its self is gross but because if they are not taken care of properly they grow yeast in between the flaps on their face. Seriously it's nasty. I had to wash that. I felt bad for this poor dog. If you aren't going to take care of a high maintenance dog then just don't buy it. Wasn't the point of this about shih tzus? Yea about them, they are really sweet dogs and if you are looking for a good family dog I would suggest one of them. I know it's a fem dog but chances are your wife, girlfriend, or daughter is going to pick it out anyways so you are going to look gay walking whatever dog she picks.

Buying Pets & Shit

Everyone has to get their pets from somewhere. Whether you stole it from your parents, a friend, or actually did some research and bought it from a breeder, they don't just magically appear. The only thing I have to say on this topic is please, for the love of god, don't buy it from a pet store. Anyone that knows anything about pet stores knows that quality pet stores do not "sell" dogs and cats. A respectful pet store will work with a local organization to "adopt" dogs and cats out. Any pet store that is selling dogs is normally getting them from a puppy mill. If you don't know what that is you should Google it before you buy a dog. Puppy mills are by far the worst place to ever get anything from. Animals there are not only used and abused, but are infested with diseases and genetic problems. If you think a dog coming from a puppy mill is pure bred you shouldn't own a dog. If you want to really help out go adopt a pet from a shelter of some kind. Chances are there is some kind of rescue organization for the species of your choice to get a pet from. If you are a snob and only want "pure bred" dogs or cats at least do some research and make sure it is a respectable breeder. A respectable breeder will generally only breed one kind of animal, has some kind of paperwork or lineage to show you, and their animals are well kept and healthy. It may take you some time to find a good breeder. If you can find a breeder in a day, you haven't looked hard enough. Also, buying a pet is a commitment not an impulse buy. You need to make sure you are prepared to deal with animals because they can be like children on a caffeinated sugar overdose. If you don't have patience, don't get a pet. Better yet buy a fish, or a pet rock, whichever you won't kill.

For those of you in the Chicagoland area, I can help point you in the right direction if you are looking for a small furry, amphibious, or reptilian friend. Scott's All Animal Expo at the DuPage County Fairgrounds in Wheaton, IL is a pretty awesome place to buy these kinds of pets. There are tons of breeders, exhibitors, and vendors that have everything you need for small pets. This is where I bought my crested gecko from a reputable breeder. The prices at these kinds of expos are also going to be way cheaper than anything you can find at a pet store, not only for the animal, but the cages also. These animals are also generally better cared for and much healthier than pet store animals because they have loving owners that specialize in a certain species. BEWARE: Not every breeder is reputable. Make sure to inspect the health of the animals before you buy them. Ask questions. If they can't give you the time of day they are clearly idiots that don't care about their animals. For example, I saw an entire table full of crested geckos with no tail. Seriously?! WTF. Not cool. Most breeders have one or two that don't have a tail and are usually discounted. This vendor wanted a ridiculous amount for his lizards. Don't buy animals from people like this. They are only trying to make money and don't care if their animals live or die once they sell them. F*cking jerks. Most of the people selling them are good people though just don't be naive when you buy things. Try to bring someone with you that knows a thing or two about animals. If you have no idea what you are getting yourself into, go just for fun the first time and then research what you like to see what pet best fits you.

Here is the website for Scott's All Animal Expo. Happens twice a month and if I were you I'd go. Even if you don't want to buy anything it's something fun to go do with your family, kids, significant other, or pet rock.

http://www.allanimalexpo.com/

Pet Obesity & Shit

Weight loss and diet products seem to be everywhere you look these days. What seems really pathetic is that now the pandemic has spread to pets. REALLY?! I find it really interesting that pet owners poor level of knowledge and care about their pets is causing them to grossly overfeed their animals. Just because you have self esteem issues doesn't mean your pets have to have them too. Here is a short list of common owner mistakes when it comes to feeding their pets.

Dogs:

1. My dog keeps eating no matter how much food I put down. He must still be hungry. 

WRONG! Dogs are scavengers. They eat as much as they can, when they can. 

Most dogs cannot be free fed all day or they will literally eat an entire bag of dog food. Having regularly scheduled meal times 2-3 times a day is a veterinary recommended solution to curb overweight eating habits. 

2. My dog is a big dog, he needs to eat an entire bowl full of food so he stays big and tough.

Number one reason guys have "big" dogs. Just because you have a "large" dog they still should probably only be eating about 3 to 4 cups of dog food a day. What you are mistaking for a big dog is probably just a fat dog. 

3. Have you tried measuring your dogs food? No? How about you start doing that. Almost every bag of dog food has a recommended amount of food to feed your dogs. They don't spend all that time to figure out those numbers just to have something else to put on the bag, try looking at it sometime. 

4. I have a small dog that needs to eat only soft food because I spoil the absolute shit out of it. Unless your dog is geriatric or has no teeth, there is no reason to only feed it soft foods. Soft dog foods can cause some animals teeth to rot away. Hard dog food is beneficial in that it scrapes the dogs teeth instead of getting stuck to it. If your dog is that picky it won't eat anything else, eventually it will get hungry. You just need to have some will power to not cave in and give it whatever it will eat. 

5. I give my dog a whole treat every time it even remotely does something I want it to. Geez, no wonder your dog is fat. If you really feel like that is the only way to get your dog to behave try giving it a piece of dog food instead. You might want to actually keep track of how much you give your dog because if you are giving it as many treats as you are food something is wrong. 

6. My dog eats what I eat. Haha, yea stop that. Bacon is not a good treat for you OR your dog. They only "people" food that is even remotely good for dogs is fresh meat. Chicken is best but don't deep fry it just because you think it tastes better, your dog doesn't give a shit. It will still think its Christmas. Stay away from high fat content because that can also cause issues like pancreatitis. If you normally don't give your dog table food, good for you. You have joined an elite group of pet owners that know what is good for their animals. 

7. I carry my dog around everywhere I go. Dogs are not accessories so stop treating it like one. Get a leash and actually let it use its legs and walk somewhere. Maybe it wouldn't need to diet then.

8. I've cut back on Fido's food but he still isn't losing weight. If you really are cutting it back enough, your pet will lose weight. Are you sure someone else in the house isn't sneaking him goodies? Children especially like to give dogs their left overs so you think they ate all their food. Maybe someone else thinks your a bad owner and gives him pity meals. Make sure everyone is aware of what you are trying to do and why it is beneficial. 

These are just a few of the excuses I hear owners spew at me when they bring their dogs in for a checkup. O yes and cat people this all applies to you too. If your pets looks or feels obese, all you have to do is cut back the amount of food you give it. They aren't going to starve, they aren't going to hate you. They are not teenagers, they are animals. "But I feel bad when he whines at me for more." TOUGH SHIT. Grow a set and get over it. Would you rather pay for a $3000 orthopedic surgery when your dog is only 5 or have a happy active pet that will probably live longer? All of the things you should be doing yourself you can control and make sure your dog is getting what it needs. Lack of exercise and portion control are literally the only things keeping your dog fat. Oh yea, please don't waste money on "diet" food. It's less nutritious, a waste of money, and a huge gimmick. Just give your dog less food and save yourself some money. 

Chinchilla Depression

When you leave for extended periods of time do you think your animals even notice? Damn right they do! Well, reptiles probably don't but other furry bastards know when their favorite caretaker is gone. How would I have come to this conclusion? My personal favorite furry companion is my chinchilla, Chilla. Yea I know, I'm the most creative person ever when it comes to giving my pets individualism. I spent the past three weeks in Costa Rica and left my pets at home because I didn't think the furry ones would appreciate 95% humidity. Upon returning this past weekend, I walked into my room to see my normally rambunctious chinchilla with adhd laying in her hammock, head hung low, like she'd never be happy again. My family informed me that she wasn't very active while I was gone and did not let them pet her or play with her. Normally she can be heard from the other room bouncing around in her cage. Most nights I'm tempted to put her in the hallway because she keeps me up, if only the cat wouldn't eat her for a midnight snack. As soon as I called her name in a stereotypical girly high pitched voice only dogs can hear, she jumped up and came running to be pet. She took a treat from me and practically rolled over like a dog.

Why is this information relevant? When you choose to periodically abandon your pets, you should find someone they know and trust to take care of them. Clearly my family wasn't the best choice because I normally live away from home, you know being in college and all, so she isn't exposed to them often enough to be satisfied with their attention when I'm gone. Other pets are not so sensitive to your presence. My crested gecko seemed completely content and showed no interest in me other than staring at me like, "Bitch, give me some crickets!" Dogs and cats are variable when it comes to their owners. Some dogs have separation anxiety when their owners are only gone hours, others like mine could care less as long as they get fed eventually. For needy animals, I suggest having a designated caregiver that interacts with them often enough to have your pets be comfortable with them when you are gone. This can help keep your pets happy and well behaved when you are gone, and when you come back they won't be staring at you like your girlfriend when you forgot her birthday, again.

I don't claim to be an expert, then again I can almost back up my bullshit with a BS degree.

Erin

About Me, My Experience, and Shit

So what gives me the impression that I have anything valuable to say about anything, especially pets, animals or other shit? Well, I'm finishing my animal science degree from Purdue University (some super awesome agriculture college in Indiana for all the squares that don't know wtf Purdue is), I have owned various animals during the 21 years I have inhabited this planet, and have a stockpile of observations and useless knowledge about animals and pets. Until now I haven't had a way to share the things I've learned or experienced, or I've just been too damn lazy to write it down. Now that I have free time, or am just avoiding doing something else with my time, I've decided to start this blog and share my views with the five people that actually are going to read this smut.

Enjoy!